Dear younger me
It’s been a long time. I trust you are well and that all is going fine in your preparation to come to Rhodes University. I especially hope that you are not only hearing dad but that you are listening to his advice about varsity life.
Remember when dad was talking to us about the dangers posed by varsity life and I shrugged his words saying how different could it be from the boarding school we grew up in? Well believe me when I tell you it’s an experience I did not anticipate.
You have always been the best because of your ability to surpass the rest. You have always been an individual, not a voice within a choir. But that is not what you did when you were met with different predicaments. You have always been able to say no when confronted with situations that conflicted with your values but that’s not what you did when Sean offered you your first ‘joint’, a taste of freedom or when she said “its ok, we don’t have to use a condom”. You divorced me and pushed me in a deep dark corner of your soul, only to cohabitate with this new persona who shoves drugs up his skin, fumes his lungs with dagga and within floods himself with alcohol and dances to the drums of lust
This is what my conscience says to me, resonates in my mind every day. It echoes so much I feel I am loosing my sanity’s grip. This is what has become of me and I hope that you are grounded enough to say no, to be who you are and not be taken by the hype. I am soiled and I pray that is not your reality forecast.
Lots of love.
Older you
It’s been a long time. I trust you are well and that all is going fine in your preparation to come to Rhodes University. I especially hope that you are not only hearing dad but that you are listening to his advice about varsity life.
Remember when dad was talking to us about the dangers posed by varsity life and I shrugged his words saying how different could it be from the boarding school we grew up in? Well believe me when I tell you it’s an experience I did not anticipate.
You have always been the best because of your ability to surpass the rest. You have always been an individual, not a voice within a choir. But that is not what you did when you were met with different predicaments. You have always been able to say no when confronted with situations that conflicted with your values but that’s not what you did when Sean offered you your first ‘joint’, a taste of freedom or when she said “its ok, we don’t have to use a condom”. You divorced me and pushed me in a deep dark corner of your soul, only to cohabitate with this new persona who shoves drugs up his skin, fumes his lungs with dagga and within floods himself with alcohol and dances to the drums of lust
This is what my conscience says to me, resonates in my mind every day. It echoes so much I feel I am loosing my sanity’s grip. This is what has become of me and I hope that you are grounded enough to say no, to be who you are and not be taken by the hype. I am soiled and I pray that is not your reality forecast.
Lots of love.
Older you
5 comments:
Wow! I can totally identify with your varsity experience! I must say that I have also found that it turns out to be a completely different experience to what you expect and you find yourself doing things that you never thought you would do in a thousand years! I also found that I did not listen to my Dad and his advice and I now find myself stuck in a rut! However, some of these experiences which I have had at Rhodes have been amazing and I most definitely would not change a thing. But I do agree that substance abuse especially weed and alcohol have been my downfall, doing ridiculously stupid things at times under the Influence and then at other times having the time of my life. But as you said varsity life is completely different to what any school child expects. Nevertheless, the only way to move on is to make mistakes and learn from them.
I agree with your statement of learning from mistakes and to be honest some learn more than others. From my experience I believe some mistakes are not worth learnig from because they just might be your last mistake. I am taking about drugs, that spilf may be the last air you inhale. And if one survives that well we normally do things as you said, take Aids for one, all it takes is that one stupid thing and you will be learnig an unending lesson.
I blog about the black girl; her trials and tribulations; her struggle to define and redefine herself, to remain black (whatever that means to her).
(www.ruhavingagoodhairday.blogspot.com)
Even though you wrote from an extremely (not necessarily black) male perspective, I found her struggle to be common to yours.
Just as you find yourself shoved in a corner, confronted with these new experiences, liberties you never thought could be yours. So she battles with her image, her hair, her body..little things that until that moment, had never mattered.
You speak about your father's words; the advice you never listened to. She speaks of her mother's voice; the first thing she chose to forget when she entered university.
I recognised the girl who offered herself to you without a condom as the girl I wrote about. So eager to forget her insecurities that she offers you the only thing she feels she still has control over; her sexuality. It seems you lie down with her for the same reason. Despite all the risks; in that moment , you are in control.
It saddens me that the two of you live such parallel lives, each making decisions that jeopardise the other.
It is sad because you both realize that who you are is not who you were meant to become, yet you wake up every day and choose to self-destruct:
You deal by smoking weed, filling your emptiness with narcotics. She wears clothes that invite your attention and mask her shame.
So I thank you for your blog, for letting my younger self know that she will not be alone in her struggle to find her place.
Many teenagers seem to lose themselves when they come to university I am glad that this boy has seen the light and attoned from his sins. the worst thing about deferring from your parents teachings is when you are unable to realise your mistakes and take they teachings for granted as only the worst can happen before you change your ways. I'm glad that you where able to see that narcotics and unsafe sex don't make you a man but rather put your life in danger.I hope that this experience has left you the wiser. I believe that many first years who read this will be convinced about the emotional baggage that comes with living a life that is not structured by morals or standards and they will not need to experience this for themselves.
True Andy, very true. I got to varsity thinkin it would be a boat cruse, i mean friends of mine that had attended before me made it seem like sailing. I found myself in a titanic situations, sinkin within two weeks of ma arrival. i found myslf drinkin every chance i got. but i found swimmin agian, and hav learnt greatly from ma mistakes. i gather it was "adapting" to a new way of life. a life of independence, freedom and commitmnts.
it is important that we're able to juggle our lives, so that you are able to fulfil your academic needs and your ever ready social life. trust me, parties dnt end, if you miss one, there will a betta hyped one next time.
word of advice....party hard, but study smart.
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